life is so many things. so many crazy things. right now, it’s just funny.
i was talking to my best friend this evening, and we began chatting about the most important aspects of our lives. big changes. possible moves and careers, school changes, relationships. without going into too much detail, she’s smack in the middle of a muddy puddle, one hand poised to either help her out or push her back down. another hand holding her free one, sitting beside her and splashing with her.
i’m at a fork in my road, pulled in two different directions–or so it seems. i could go one way, or another. it’s the choice between the interstate and the cul-de-sac. the only thing is, i’m not sure which one is which. and three weeks from now, i’m going to get shoved past the fork in one direction or another by some oblivious, aloof, arbitrary wind. i feel like i’m being tugged one way, then another. and then back. and then the other way again. and the odd thing is that i’m not actually sure if anything is tugging on me whatsoever. it might be all in my head.
i’m alice standing at the bottom of the rabbit hole, and i’ve gone and shrunk down to the size of a doll. i’ve a bit of mushroom in one hand and a bottle of syrup in the other. one might make me big; the other might make me smaller still. or they both might make me big. or the other way round entirely. the caterpillar is just sitting there blowing smoke rings seven ways till sunday, and the cheshire cat’s off chasing his tail while the mad hatter laughs and the dormouse is reciting the tales of the snarks and boojums. mushroom or potion? how am i supposed to know which will make me big again? tweedle dee and tweedle dum might well snatch my mushroom or syrup away from me, leaving only one choice, and i’ve absolutely no bloody idea if they’ll leave me the right option or not. i wish i could trust them, but they are just being themselves…and i’m just being myself. i’m just alice, feeling rather small.
somewhere in the middle of talking (much more specifically, i might add) about all of this, julia said something funny. it was about her sister, but it simply took the plug out of the dam. all of the sudden, we were laughing. stomach hurting, eyes squinched up, tears rolling down our faces laughing. why? none of the situations in our lives are that funny. not really. we’re being flipped topsy-turvy every time we turn round. there is absolutely no idea of what to expect next. no one does what we expect them to do, and the ones who do do it at entirely the wrong moments, in the wrong settings, with all the right words that they may or may not mean, and it all serves to catapult us to here. tuesday, february 17, at around 11 pm central, 12 am eastern. when you list everything that’s going on in our lives, it’s so laughably absurd that it seems like we’re both just a class A…joke. after about ten minutes of dual-nationality hilarity, i began to wonder if i would suddenly start to cry. we kept laughing at ourselves and the people around us, the situations we are in right now, and how completely unprepared we are for whatever might befall us next. i could win the lottery or lose everything tomorrow, and i can’t say i would be surprised either way.
i almost wish i knew what would come next, what to expect in this cosmic joke that is my life. but then i suppose that would ruin the punchline.