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It’s 3 a.m.; I must be lonely

Well, the former part is true, at least.  Am I lonely?  Not…lonely persay.  Pensive?  A little.  Riddled with self-contemplation?  Somewhat.  Ever-so-slightly shocked at myself?  Yes.  Yes, I am.

I’m having a girlie moment.

Gasp.  Crash.  Hiccup.

I know.  I knooooooooooooow. I’m seldom outright girlie.  The pensive self-contemplation stems primarily from that blatant fact.  In many ways, I defy mainstream, pop-culture girl-dom.  I hate pink.  (Okay, maybe not hate, but I feel it ought to be used in very, very sparing quantities.)  Chick flicks are enormously depressing for me.  I don’t want to be a princess, unless it’s the warrior kind and I get to rampage about killing monsters and saving the world.  Diamonds bore me at best, and I loathe diamond solitaires (this time my adjective is not overstated).  I would be mortally offended if my boyfriend spent two months of income on an engagement ring, and only slightly less so if he spent more than a week’s.  (He knows these things already.)

My momentary bout of girliness is coming from the mere fact that my relationship is progressing.  And it’s filling my head with all sorts of fuzzy shiny happy thoughts.  It makes my tummy feel warm and glowy (and NOT in that pregnant way, so don’t even ask).  I may have even sighed and made goo-goo eyes at Edward the Elephant in my boyfriend’s absence.  *ahem.*

On a more serious note, this feeling is entirely new.  Without going into too much detail, no one has ever been committed to me before.  Me.  I’ve never felt anything like this — the sense that someone truly wants to journey through this life at my side and wants me there at his.

And so I’m being girlie.  I’m looking at pretty colors and imagining future moments.  I’m listening to the conversations we had over and over in my head and reveling in it.

I feel like I got a belated birthday present/early Christmas present.  Because as I’ve tried to wrack my brain for gift ideas for myself (always a precipitous sort of task), I’ve returned only to the simple (if gushy and cliche) sentiment that all I want for Christmas is….well, him.

Before I turn completely into a porcelain dolly with ringlets and ribbons, let me remind you once more:

Warrior.  Swords.  Zombie-slaying, kicker of dragon asses, vampire-loving, princess of general awesomeness — that’s who you’re listening to here.  And don’t you forget it.

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let’s get awesome.

that sounds like the perfect beginning for a blog about absolutely nothing in particular.  i want to write, but i don’t really have a topic in mind, so let’s just see what comes out, shall we?

i saw a sweet movie tonight.  it’s an independent film co-written by the brother of one of my good college friends.  it’s called make out with violence, and you can check out their website here.

essentially, the movie is a coming of age film — with a zombie.  the basic premise is that wendy, the protagonists’ friend, has disappeared and turned up mysteriously reanimated, but very much dead.  take that and weave in threads of unrequited love, the cycles of grief, loss, and uncertainty, and you have a thoroughly intriguing film right from the get-go.  there is a lot of tension in the plot throughout the film, and it’s really done well.  the pacing is fantastic, and all the plot threads weave together exceptionally well.

movie poster image:  photo by aaron irons

movie poster image: photo by aaron irons

the writing is great — there are some amazing one-liners, such as the title of this post.  it’s full of a lot of wit, irony, and sarcasm.  there’s a lot going on underneath the surface.  fundamentally, this movie does something that i always strive to do when i write urban fantasy — to convey very real-life situations through a supernatural medium.  the presence of a zombie doesn’t make anything they try to say in this movie any less real.  and there’s a lot to be said.

about the zombie herself — absolutely excellent.  the film is truly creepy.  wendy’s every move made me twitch.  without explaining any of the context of her existence, they leave a pervading sense of palpable malice.  there is definitely a fair amount of gore, as well — and well done gore at that.

this is a fantastic movie.  if you get a chance to catch it at a screening, do so.  tonight, it was granted two awards — the regal cinemas dreammaker award and the award for best use of music.  the music is something to go on about as well — all of it was written specifically for the movie, and it was executed excellently.  the cinematography in this film is fucking spectacular.  the lighting in particular is incredibly impressive, and for people who claim to have made this film without any money, the production, editing, and finishing have the look of a much higher budget than they had.  it all looks awesome.

i also got to thinking tonight about friends.  i have made a few really good friends here in nashville, and i really appreciate them being a part of my life.  i think it’s really important to let people know when they are important to you.  human beings aren’t really mind readers, so they often don’t know what you’re thinking about them until you tell them.  and usually, it means a lot to them to know they are appreciated.  i know it does to me.  i’ve gotten a few random emails, texts, etc. from people in the last few months.  and it always means a lot to me to find out that someone is thinking of me or that at some point, they feel i affected their lives for the better.  it’s really nice to hear.  sometimes it’s people you least expect to hear such a thing from.

i’m fortunate to have the people i have in my life.  they’re really extraordinary human beings in a lot of ways.  i think it’s important to make those little gestures, let people know they’re on our minds.  they won’t know unless we do.  most of the time i think people sort of careen through life just doing their own thing, never really knowing how they affect those who cross their paths.  hearing from others that they were touched by this, that, or the other thing we did or said or just happened to be — that can really be priceless.  i’ve been on both sides of it.  i try to let people know when something about them inspires me or touches me or makes me think in some way.  i’ve been shocked to hear from people who i didn’t really think knew i existed that they had been somehow affected by me.  i really value those moments, whether giving or receiving.

i have so much going on in these last three and a half weeks.  i can’t believe it’s coming up so quickly.  i know i’m doing the right thing.  parts might be rough, and i’ll probably have some serious stress, but it’s right.  it’s where i have to go.  so…on that note of certainty, let’s get awesome.