a proper dose of meandering
so long since i’ve written…at all. maybe that’s why i’ve been feeling the way i am — i haven’t had the outlet i needed to just get stuff out. mainly because i haven’t had the time, and when i do get a minute, i immediately enter this vegetative state that is completely prohibitive to anything creative.
there’s a yearning here i don’t know how to describe. to create, to build, to make something that wasn’t there before, to mold ideas and shape essences. but at the end of the day, i mostly feel dead. perhaps that’s melodramatic. oh well.
i feel like nothing more right now than a burden to those around me. i feel like i can’t open my mouth without some stress-filled fungus spilling out. it’s polluting me and everything i say.
on the other hand, in a way there’s peace. but that always comes with this wanting…something. in so many ways i always find myself thinking that if i can just get past this next hurdle, something will give, and i’ll be able to rest, collect myself.
i realize how all of this sounds. it’s awfully…depressing thinking that i’m not the only person who feels like this and who harbors the fears of being held captive to the endless monotony that is constantly scraping for a living forever.
maybe if i didn’t have to take extra classes and deal with constant hounding by various parties…maybe my job would be more bearable. but as it is right now, i’m already feeling completely burnt out. and i’m only 1/4 of the way through this commitment. they say the second year is easier…and the third even easier. that last i can believe, because i won’t have the aforementioned extra classes and constant hounding.
i don’t know what i’m saying right now.
what i want most right now…more than anything at all…is quiet. it’s warm arms around me and soft light. right now it’s the only place i find peace. such a simple thing really. i don’t know how this world gets so very complicated. i really don’t. i guess that’s why it’s those very simple things that are what i need so much right now. and in spite of that, i’m terrified to ask for it.