you can’t bleed a stone…
…at least i’m pretty sure that’s what a stone would tell you. i mean, who wants to be bled? better to discourage people from trying.
i used the above as a beginning to a short story i’m writing…sort of a tragic farce sort of a deal–with zombies. you know. for that je ne sais quois…or just for the ambience. it’s still very much in vomit draft format, but i’m excited to see where it goes. gore galore. you know it. i thank r.l. stine for that; his descriptions of purple rotting flesh have stayed with me since i was a wee thing using fear street as my bedtime stories. always did like to be scared.
funny thing about that. gimme monsters, zombies, vampires, ghoulies, ghosties…long-leggedy beasties and all those who go bump in the night, and i’m fine. what really gets me quaking in my stylish, yet affordable boots is much more prosaic.
life is…really damn scary sometimes. there have been times in the last few years where i have found myself reeling, thrown from hand to grasping hand without a clue of where i might land. now is one of those times. i’m scared shitless.
joss whedon really had it right — life is the big bad. and i don’t know how to fight it. i think if you handed me a stake and said, “vampire. go, kill.” i’d be fine. that’s something you can fight — kill or be killed. life’s got a much bigger gray area, and i don’t know where i fall right now.
some days i think i’m floating. treading water, maybe. other days — like the majority lately — i’m fairly certain my lungs are half-full (i’m an optimist, even in the face of sudden death) and i’m starting to see spots.
i’m working a job where i feel…grossly underqualified. every day i walk through the doors of my high school and wonder who decided i had the right to teach these students. i don’t have a license. what makes me able to do this? add to that the fact that someone has a rather quirky sense of humor and has decided to bypass regular curveballs for heat-seeking missiles, and you get…a mess. i’m a mess.
i realized a few days ago that i needed to get back to myself. somewhere in the last few months, i lost me. not sure where. this weekend, i wanted to go to the renn faire to see albannach — they’re my go-to for me-ness. something about the drums, the kilts, the pipes…yes, the tattoos…it brings me home for a while. although unfortunately, my body decided to pick this weekend to crap out on me, and i almost passed out from a fever mid-set. probably didn’t help i was wearing a corset. nope, probably didn’t help.
on the way back to my car, a guy started hitting on me. being woozy, uncomfortable, and a little oblivious, i tried to politely tell him i was sick and needed to leave before i fainted. to that, he replied, “i could give you mouth to mouth.” i stared at him for a second, processing that. before i could get my fuddled brain to compute a suitable response, he went on, “i could give you penis to mouth.”
now, if i had all my wits about me, that guy would have found himself the recipient of fist to face. first of all, who the fuck says that? it’s almost funny in a way…but then i remember the way i felt, standing there, feeling awful and sick and weak as a kitten…and how absolutely dirty and…violated i felt by that. i turned and walked away as quickly as i could manage.
i spent this weekend home in bed, shooting shit on xbox. and i realized that i need to get back to myself. my life has been almost entirely taken over by work. when i get home, all i want to do is sleep. i never see my roommates; i have virtually no social life and very few good friends. so i did some thinking, and this is what i came up with.
i need to write. i need to get back to my stories and being creative. i think part of my problem is that i’m sort of…constipated. in a creative sense.
i need a social life. as usual, i’m stuck with the problem of most of my nearest and dearest being ever-so-far away. and frankly, i’m lonely. which may or may not be my own damn fault.
those are the biggies. which is funny, cos they’re more personal life than anything…mainly i think because my professional life is so out of balance with my personal life right now. some aspects of my personal life are in a healthy place and are good…but i feel so out of balance.
i’ve been listening to this band called hey rosetta!, and i’m loving it. specifically the following songs: new goodbye; i’ve been asleep for a long, long time; death is quick.
in congruence with my flustered state of mind…i’m gonna end this blog now.
Posted on 30 September, 2009, in meanderings, snapshots life and tagged autumn, balance, communication, confusion, friendship, hope, lame, restless, sigh, work. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.