whelming. over, under, nil.
i’m not really sure i have anything to say. well, strike that. i have everything to say; i just don’t know if this is the place for it. that and i am not really sure how to formulate the swirls of electric shocks that constitute my synapses into something of relative coherence that will give you a suitable window into my current mind.
first of all, there’s this. it wasn’t written about how i feel, and how i feel has nothing to do with god whatsoever, but the sentiment in this song is somehow still relevant.
I’m finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don’t really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don’t want to speak tonight
That’s alright, alright with me
‘Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven’s door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
this will, i suppose, be a random catalogue of random thoughts on a quiet day filled with the rushing of the rain that flows and pools where water has no home.
“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it, but there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.”
in a soft whisper, i’ll tell you that i could have written that myself a year ago.
in a moment of big-eyed vulnerability, i could confess how small i feel right now. how overwhelmed with wanting — so many things — and with the prickling fear that i will be tried and found wanting. voice quiet, breath quickened, i could express the quake of unsteadiness i feel as i step farther out along this limb. yearning and terrified at the same time to take that step that could plunge me down, down. i have to believe that the life i’ve built here will be possible to build anew there, and then some. there have been weeks and months of this striving, this constant movement forward, to get somewhere. now that the days have ticked away like grains of hourglass sand, and i feel exhausted. i’ve spent the last week just expending energy in a thousand directions, and now i just feel drained. i suppose that’s my tradition when it comes to big moves. between work, packing, getting rid of stuff with reckless abandon, the poor car fiasco, and a multitude of other little stresses, i guess i don’t blame me. oddly enough, at the same time i feel underwhelmed. except for this underlying yearning.
it’s made up of so many things. some are fairly obvious, others less so. there are some odd parallels in my life right now. an unexpected (accidental) phone call from a very unwelcome source struck me hard the other day with near-paralyzing fear. maybe i’m not as over all of that as i thought. the ringing stopped before i knew who called, but just seeing that number on my phone was enough to set my heart to a staccato rhythm and send a surge of metallic adrenaline into my mouth. while i’m not running away this time, it gives me some comfort to know that at least in 12 short days, i won’t have to worry anymore that an accidental phone call could be an accidental encounter instead.
some stupid internet test today gave me the result that i am “undesiring of love.” i found that odd. odd and a little disconcerting. it’s quite the opposite, really. i desire love more than just about anything. i hold onto the love i find as carefully and as gently as i possibly can. right now, i guess part of that yearning is just for affection. sigh.
on that note, it’s about time for me to go…onward to the rest of this insanely hectic day.