“i’m looking for a new love…”

“…not just someone who loves when she’s drunk and fucked up…”

words by parachute musical, quite possibly butchered by me, on account of the fact that i’ve only heard that song a couple of times played live.  i’d definitely like to track it down.  but that’s digressing before i even get started.

this blog might get down and dirty a bit, in terms of personal.  i’m often willing to get personal on here–i’m a pretty open person.  but just…be warned.  i’m feeling a bit melancholy today, at a loss.  unsure of myself.  this is me at my not so hot.

“i’m looking for a new love.”
i don’t know if that’s true in a literal sense–meaning i’m not actively looking.  searching, maybe, on a philosophical level.  i’m someone who is pretty afraid of commitment.  if i think someone is more interested in me than i am in him, i get panicky.  i think it’s at least partly because i’m always afraid that if i’m interested in someone, he’ll be scared off.

i know where that comes from.  everyone has hang-ups–that’s one of the cool prizes for being human and interacting with other hung-up humans.  that’s one of mine.   and i know the source.  i waited seven months to tell my ex i loved him.  i waited until i was sure.  and he wasn’t.  sure, that is.  he left me a month later.  well, officially–he left me a lot sooner than that.  there was a lot more to it than that, but that image pretty much sums it up.  i told him how i felt, and he bolted.

i was filling out one of those stupid myspace surveys the other day, and one of the questions was, “do you think relationships are ever really worth it?”  my answer was an unequivocable yes.  i do think they’re worth it.  but it requires a lot of self-awareness and a willingness to battle with whatever baggage we have from previous encounters.  that’s what i’m doing right now.  battling.

everyone has issues.  the important thing is to recognize them and try to work them out–and to be open about them.  you can’t expect others to understand what you’re thinking if you don’t tell them.  i’m working on mine.  unfortunately (albeit as per usual), circumstance isn’t making it easy.

“…not just someone who loves when she’s drunk and fucked up…”
chemical intoxication aside, my thing here is that i want something mutual.  i’ve wasted far too much time in the past on people who just weren’t quite sure.  it’s exhausting, and i’m weary of it.

people are fickle critters.  emotions are seldom constant.  and it’s impossible to interpret silence.  relationships are such a mess.  and yet.

“will i have to spend this life alone?  where is my companion?
words by catherine maclellan.  it’s been a long, long time since i’ve wanted a relationship.  i’m very gunshy.  i’ve fled relationships for the last year and a half.  but now…there’s a longing here.  i miss waking up in the morning and finding someone there.  sleepy smiles and starting the day together.  i miss hearing someone’s breathing as i go to sleep at night.  i miss sharing this life with another person.  sharing struggles, memories, present.  laughter.  i’m tired of the dating world.  i don’t even understand how it works.  the terminology is confounding to me.  when are you dating?  seeing someone?  where do other people fit in and how?  or do they?  when is it exclusive?  i don’t understand what the fuck all of it means.  it’s too much for my head, and i’m sick of trying to understand it.  i’m also semi-convinced it’s a crock.  dating is supposed to be, at its root, a way to get to know someone, right?  what if you already know them?  do you skip that part?  call me cynical, but i almost think it’s just an endless distraction.  when people find something special, they usually just go for it.  it works because it works, without the mind-numbing confusion.  dating’s just a way to pass the time till that comes along.

now i’m just ranting.  i suppose i’m lonely.  that’s the common word for wishing there was someone there.  i miss the companionship, the intimacy, the sex.  all of it.

“love never finds you when you want it to, it waits till you’ve stopped waiting.”
i know this is true.  and so i suppose i’ll just chill out.  i made the mistake once of trying to be with someone i knew wasn’t right for me.  biggest dating mistake of my life.  i know two things.  one, i don’t want to settle for someone who just isn’t sure if he wants me.  two, i don’t want to settle for someone anything less than extraordinary.  the trick is to find those things at once. and when you do find that, knowing enough not to let it slip away.  to be brave enough to take that risk.

waiting is hard.  hoping at all on some flickering spark of a chance is hard.  it hurts.  it’s messy.  wondering what will happen–or if anything will happen.  that is where i am right now.  stranded in the realm of “we’ll see,” where anything is possible.  i don’t even know what to think.  maybe i’m stupid to hope for this.  i don’t want to let it slip away, but i’m only half of it.  it’s not all up to me.  and i guess, at the end of the day, i’m afraid that he’ll let me slip away.  i don’t want to get away.  i want him to keep me.  but right now, i just have to wait and see.  be happy if something happens and if it doesn’t, be sad and then go on with my life.

lonely.  yeah, that’s it.  i don’t just want anyone, either.  i want the chance for something really special.

“all these things i can’t figure out alone; they don’t matter with someone.  maybe i should learn to let it all go and just have some fun.”
catherine maclellan is probably right.

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About Emmie Mears

Saving the world from brooding, one self-actualized vampire at a time.

Posted on 28 March, 2009, in love and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. just stumbled by. amazing post, captivating.

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