Thoughts whirling like snow from a sorrow sky

My fingers don’t seem to want to type now. My thoughts are spinning round and round in my mind, as if some unseen force is driving them, churning them like the winds of a hurricane, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I yearn for calm and peace, the serenity of a quiet mind that will leave me be, at rest, even for a short while.

Instead I let them soar, let them capture my attention as I sit distracted by the mundane happenings of the world around me. Outwardly, I am made of ice. I feel the mask upon my face, pretending, lying with my eyes and smiles. Inside a tumult awaits. Pounding heart and contracting lungs, jittering movements. Nothing to be done.

I wander this labyrinth alone, hearing others in the distance, wishing my mental voice were enough to reach beyond the walls to the people I know are there, but instead I find another curve, a block, a wall of thrashing complicated mess, leaves and vine-filled entanglements. Always just a bit farther, flitting momentarily within my grasp to be swept away by the next turn of tunnel.

Changes. Everything changes. Stability becomes caprice, certainty turns to wavering. Entertaining thoughts becomes a turn to something else.

Swirling thoughts become a vortex. Direction appears, however muted and swaddled in confusion. I know what I want, know what I need to do. There is clarity in this knowing. The need to move forward, the need to not waste what precious time I am given, the need to make every year, every month, every day, every second count to the best of my ability. To live a life as devoid of if-onlies as I can muster.

So I will take the next steps in a new direction. Because I believe that the best action to take is the one that takes me closer to figuring out what comes next.

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About Emmie Mears

Saving the world from brooding, one self-actualized vampire at a time.

Posted on 3 December, 2008, in meanderings, snapshots life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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