“To Arrange My Thoughts on Love and Life…”

Words by Parachute Musical, but they sum it up pretty well.  I’ve been listening to a lot of them lately…the main songs in my endless repetition have been Back the Same, Arrhythmia, and One More Song–they all seem to say something that fits.

So Houston, come in
My heart is plain out of control
And I’m not, I’m not
Willing to bleed anymore

There is a lot to be said for good song lyrics.  Right now I feel the need to just let it all go, just to be.  To figure everything out later, when and if it takes a turn toward relevance again.

At the current moment, I’m thinking about games.  I mentioned before that relationships are like an elephant dance.  They also seem to involve a lot of games.  I hate those games.  The endless tight-rope walking, wondering if there’s a net beneath you–I’ve always wondered (and lamented) why people can’t just be forthright and say what they think.

Because it’s scary, I guess.  To say what you think, you have to make yourself vulnerable, and the funny thing about sticking your neck out like that is that it leaves you exposed and naked, and someone can easily come along and lob it off.  That’s where trust comes in, I suppose.  Both trust in yourself and trust in the other person.  That said, it’s necessary to know where to place your trust–professing your undying love to Jerry down at the candy machine when you’ve never spoken is a fairly assumed recipe for disaster.

The language of love and relationships is often not particularly conducive to verbal meanderings, as well.  we have “like,” and we have “love,” where in reality, there are so many shades of those two words and everything that lies between them that it’s really not fair.  I feel verbally castrated when I try to write about love.  There are a good deal more sorts of words to use:  to adore, to be fond of, to care, to feel for, to appreciate, to have affection for, to be in rapture, to be infatuated, to lust.  All of these words are important, but the blurry spectrum of feeling remains opaque, unclear.

I’m not currently in love.  But the situations in my life right now don’t really lend themselves to discussion with the types of words above.  Other languages have it easier–both in Polish and German, to use the word “love” (kochac, lieben, respectively) is a statement of intense and profound emotion and a depth of feeling that every other word falls short of.  It’s not used very often in either language.  Couples will go years sometimes before those words cross their lips, and they’re rarely utilized in familial relationships and friendships.  English is different.  The word “love” seems to bubble out of our mouths after a couple measly months.  We tell our parents, our siblings, our friends often and fervently–but do we mean it?  Has love been so cheapened that we just throw it around like that?

My first and only serious relationship thus far didn’t use the word “love” until 7 months in.  I was the one who said it, and it wasn’t returned by my German ex-boyfriend.  Granted, we were already slipping away and I didn’t want to see it, but I did love him.

Anyway, all that said, there isn’t a lot of language in English set aside for the fuzzier parts of relationships.  The parts long before love is an option.  The crushy parts, the early clicking parts, where things just seem to work because they work.  It’s those parts that I’m trying to navigate.  I hate the games, the wondering when it’s okay to call, when it’s okay to email or text or say hello.  I try not to play the games, but I feel like I got dumped into one, and I really don’t know if I’m playing laser tag or Yahtzee.  I don’t know the rules, or the game board (if there is one), or if I’m winning, or if I just fell down a chute and landed in the gumdrop forest.  Or possibly onto Marvin Gardens, and someone just bought the land right out from under my feet.  I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

I’m not in a relationship.  I’m single, and I have absolutely no illusions or delusions about my current situation.  There is no happily ever after or magical moment of white horses and roses.  There is what there is, and what there is is good.  Maybe I’m being obsessively pedantic with the need to fit that into words, but words are my catharsis.  I don’t have any wild expectations of anything…I just want to know where I stand so I can gracefully bow out of the game and just be.

I’m oddly excited today.  I think something good is going to happen.  Huzzah.

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About Emmie Mears

Saving the world from brooding, one self-actualized vampire at a time.

Posted on 20 November, 2008, in meanderings, snapshots life, thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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